We live in a world that fears women who own their sexuality and when politicized, pleasure can be used as a tool to keep us contained and controlled. Especially women of trans experience who are often made to feel out of touch with our own bodies as a result of taking on the burden stigmatized lovers leave lingering in our bedrooms. God forbid we find comfort in the skin we live in and use our bodies as a conduit for our own pleasure, not only a vessel for someone else's. 

 

Pleasure is something we all have access to no matter what we're taught or told. It's a part of fueling one's soul and one of the main ingredients to leading a fulfilled life. It's something that can't be taken away from us but somehow we are often left feeling undeserving or at times unworthy of receiving it.

 

There was a time when I'd give it all away. I'd leave myself open and vulnerable to those who somehow found strength in fracturing my self esteem. I was addicted to pleasing those more privileged than I was and became hooked on seeing myself through these momentary windows of pleasure I provided them. I felt it gave me access to said privilege in a world that condemned me for living my truth. It gave me a false sense of validation and acceptance in a society that says, as a woman of trans experience, I don't exist. It became a power play and those who were more privileged leveraged pleasure as a way to gate keep this sense of momentary normalcy, only for all lovers to be left vacant on both sides.

 

The first step I took to finally accessing genuine pleasure was coming to terms with being worthy of it and once I owned the woman I’d become, I began to question if others were worthy enough to have access to her. There's power in loving every inch of your skin, whatever shape or form it comes in and once I’d set some parameters for the type of partner I was willing to allow in, and looked at lovers through a lens of value, I began to experience an elevated sense of reciprocal pleasure. Sex shouldn't be a problem that needs to be solved, it's an elixir that should induce self healing. 

 

It’s been a long road but I’ve finally gained access to genuine sexual satisfaction and I’ve learned that pleasure is something sacred that should be valued. It took some time and effort but once my mental health was in tune with my sexual values, I began creating healthy intimacy boundaries within myself, and pleasure became a catalyst for change. It’s helped me evolve towards the woman I always knew existed within. A woman who places value on self worth, who no longer craves the taste of privilege in other people's eyes, who understands she is worthy of being worshiped and who finds truth in a pleasure that can no longer be used against her.